My colleague at work asked the other day what rule do I go by in life, thou shalt no steal? thou shalt no kill etc etc, so I replied that I live life by the rules of acquisition, and my rules is number 211.
He looked baffled and asked what rule 211 is and so I replied “Employees are the rungs on the ladder of success. Don’t hesitate to step on them”
Shocked he was, he actually thought I was serious and that I would step on him to get higher in the company. I had to explain I was a trekkie, what Ferengi were, and how many rules there are.
After reading them he proudly proclaimed “rule number 6, Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity”
It turns out he got promoted a few years back at his brothers expense.
I guess we all have some Ferengi in us.
Here are the full rules!
1. Once you have their money, you never give it back.
2. The best deal is the one that brings the most profit.
3. Never pay/spend more for an acquisition than you have to.
4. “A woman wearing clothes is like a man in the kitchen.”
5. If you can’t break a contract, bend it.
6. Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
7. Keep your ears open.
8. Small print leads to large risk.
9. Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
10. Greed is eternal.
11. Latinum isn’t the only thing that shines.
12. Anything worth selling is worth selling twice.
13. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
14. Anything stolen is pure profit.
15. Acting stupid is often smart.
16. A deal is a deal…until a better one comes along.
17. A contract is a contract is a contract…but only between Ferengi.
18. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
19. Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
20. When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat.
21. Never place friendship above profit.
22. A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
23. Nothing is more important than your health, except for your money.
24. Latinum can’t buy happiness, but you can sure have a blast renting it.
25. You can’t make a deal if you’re dead.
26. The vast majority of the rich in this galaxy did not inherit their wealth; they stole it.
27. There’s nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.
28. Morality is always defined by those in power.
29. When someone says “It’s not the money”, they’re lying!
30. Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money.
31. Never insult a Ferengi’s mother. Quote: Never make fun of a Ferengi’s mother!
32. Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer expects.
33. It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
34. War is good for business.
35. Peace is good for business.
36. Too many Ferengi can’t laugh at themselves anymore.
37. You can always buy back a lost reputation.
38. Free advertising is cheap.
39. Praise is cheap. Heap it generously on all customers.
40. She can touch your lobes, but never your latinum.
41. Profit is its own reward.
42. Only negotiate when you are certain to profit.
43. Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon.
44. Never confuse wisdom with luck.
45. Expand or die. (reportedly this rule was given to the Ferengi by the Breen)
46. Labour camps are full of people who trusted the wrong person.
47. Don’t trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.
48. The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
49. Old age and greed will always overcome youth and talent.
50. Never bluff a Klingon.
51. Never admit a mistake if there’s someone else to blame.
52. Never ask when you can take.
53. Sell first; ask questions later.
54. Never buy anything you can’t sell.
57. Good customers are as rare as latinum—treasure them.
58. There is no substitute for success.
59. Free advice is seldom cheap.
60. Keep your lies consistent.
62. The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
65. Win or lose, there’s always Hupyrian beetle snuff.
69. When she discusses money for “favors”, charge her what she’ll pay.
74. Knowledge equals profit.
75. Home is where the heart is…but the stars are made of latinum.
76. Every once in a while, declare peace….it confuses the hell out of your enemies.
77. If you break it, I’ll charge you for it.(ST:O)
79. Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.
82. The flimsier the product, the higher the price.
85. Never let the competition know what you’re thinking.
89. Ask not what your profits can do for you, but what you can do for your profits.
94. Females and finances don’t mix.
95. Expand…or die.[Error: this is a repeat of #45]
97. Enough…is never enough.
98. Every man has his price.
99. Trust is the biggest liability of all.
102. Nature decays, but latinum is/lasts forever.
103. Sleep can interfere with opportunity.
104. Faith moves mountains…of inventory.
106. There is no honor in poverty.
109. Dignity and an empty sack…is worth the sack.
111. Treat people in your debt like family…exploit them.
112. Never have sex with the boss’s sister.
113. Always have sex with the boss.
121. Everything is for sale, even friendship.
123. Even a blind man can recognize the glow of latinum.
125. You can’t make a deal if you’re dead.
139. Wives serve, brothers inherit.
141. Only fools pay retail.
144. There’s nothing wrong with charity…as long as it winds up in your pocket.
162. Even in the worst of times, someone makes a profit.
168. Whisper your way to success.
(unnumbered, but mentioned as part of the “original” 173) A man is only worth the sum of his possessions.
177. Know your enemies…but do business with them always.
181. Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.
189. Let others keep their reputation…you keep their latinum.
190. Hear all, trust nothing.
192. Never cheat a Klingon…unless you can get away with it.
194. It’s always good business to know your customers before they walk in the door.
202. The justification for profit is profit.
203. New customers are like razor-toothed greeworms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back.
208. Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question is an answer.
211. Employees are the rungs on the ladder of success. Don’t hesitate to step on them.
214. Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach.
217. You can’t free a fish from water.
218. Always know what you’re buying.
223. Beware the man who doesn’t make time for oo-mox.
229. Latinum lasts longer than lust.
236. You can’t buy fate.
239. Never be afraid to mislabel a product.
242. More is good…all is better.
255. A wife is a luxury…a smart accountant a necessity.
261. A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.
263. Never allow doubt to tarnish your lust for latinum.
266. When in doubt, lie.
284. Deep down, everyone’s a Ferengi.
285. No good deed ever goes unpunished.
286. When Morn leaves, it’s all over. (made up by Quark)
299. Whenever you exploit someone, it never hurts to thank them. That way, it’s easier to exploit them the next time. (A fake rule made up by Neelix in an episode of Star Trek: Voyager.)